Quote(s) of the Day
“It don’t hurt a bit to be shot in a wooden leg.” General John B. Gordon, 1863
“They couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance.” General John Sedgwick, 1864, moments before he was shot dead by a sharpshooter’s bullet in his brain.
“If we are victorious in one more battle with the Romans, we shall be utterly ruined.” Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, 319 BCE
“My religion consists in a firelock, open touch hole, good flint, well-rammed charge and seventy rounds of powder and ball.” Jack Tar, 1781
“If McClellan is not using the army, I should like to borrow it for a while.” Abraham Lincoln, 1862
“It was involuntary, they sank my boat.” John F. Kennedy, on how he became a war hero
“I only wish I had you, gentlemen of the pen, exposed at once to a pretty smart skirmishing fire, that you might learn what it is when a soldier is obliged to repair with his life’s blood the errors which you so thoughtlessly commit on paper.” Marshal Blucher.
“If you have a mother-in-law with one eye, and she has it in the middle of her forehead, you don’t keep her in the living room.” Lyndon B. Johnson, on American military activities in Vietnam
“Canadians like to indulge themselves as a harmless luxury in a feeling of hostility toward the United States.” Theodore Roosevelt
“Two’s a couple, three’s a crowd. Four is two couples. Five is a couple and a crowd. Six is three couples or two crowds …” Alf
“To have a horror of the bourgeois is bourgeois.” Jules Renard
“There is no satisfaction in executing a man who does not object to it.” George Bernard Shaw
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a car.” Laurence Peter
“I don’t care to belong to a club that would accept me as a member.” Grouch Marx
“Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.” Nietzsche
“A democracy is a government in the hands of men of low birth, no property, and vulgar employments.” Aristotle
“There’s an easy way to find out if a man is honest. Ask him. If he says yes, you know he’s crooked.” Mark Twain
“To be sure, the dog is loyal. But why, on that account, should we hold him up as an example. He is loyal to men, not other dogs.” Karl Kraus
“I drink to make other people seem interesting.” George Nathan
“If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they still would not reach a conclusion.” George Bernard Shaw
“Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education.” Bertrand Russell.
“A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.” W.C. Fields.
“I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.” W.C. Fields
“History is a set of lies agreed upon.” Napoleon
“If I return people’s greetings, I do so only to give them their greeting back.” Karl Kraus
“Many desire to kill me, and many wish to spend an hour chatting with me. The law protects me from the former.” Karl Kraus
“An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.” H.L. Mencken
“One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.” Oscar Wilde
“The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.” Anatole France
“Liberals can understand everything but people who don’t agree with them.” Lenny Bruce
“Liberty is the right to do whatever the law permits.” Montesquieu
“Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.” Joseph Heller
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.” Groucho Marz
“The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist is sure of it.” Robert Oppenheimer
“My country right or wrong” is like saying, “My mother, drunk or sober.” G.K. Chesterton
“It is absurd to divide people into good or bad. People are either charming or tedious.” Oscar Wilde
“I think I think, therefore I think I am.” Ambrose Bierce
“A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.” H.L. Mencken
“The standard of intellect in politics is so low that men of moderate mental capacity have to stoop to reach it.” Hillaire Belloc
“We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.” H.L. Mencken
“There is nothing wrong with sobriety, when practiced in moderation.” John Ciardi
There is an old motto that runs, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” This is nonsense. It ought to read, “If at first you don’t succeed, quit, quit at once.” Stephen Leacock
“Razors pain you, rivers are damp; Acids stain you, and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful, nooses give; Gas smells awful, you might as well live.” Dorothy Parker
“I can’t take a well-tanned person seriously.” Cleveland Amory
“If I owned Texas and hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.” Philip Sheridan
“It was not until I had attended a few postmortems that I realized even the ugliest human exteriors may contain the most beautiful viscera, and was able to console myself for the facial drabness of my neighbors by dissecting them in my imagination.” J.B.S. Haldane
“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always count on the support of Paul.” George Bernard Shaw
“Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.” Charlotte Whitten
“The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.” Peter Beard
“The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of the blood.” Logan Smith
“Bah, Humbug.” Ebeneezer Scrooge